I dont know whats right and whats real anymore, I dont know how Im meant to feel anymore!

It's like these four walls have become my prison cell, i spend every waking minute just staring at them but im afraid that if i leave this room im not going to like what i see on the outside. iv fallen into a routine of sitting on my bed every day just staring out my window watching the world go by, sometimes it helps and rarely ill find myself smiling as i watch people go on with their lives and sometimes i wish i could be apart of it. i wish i could over come the fear of leaving my four walls behind and move on but there's always something that pulls me back, its like iv got robe attached to me and every time i feel like im getting away and finally im escaping it drags me back in and the cycle starts all over again. I've become immune to the constant blotchy cheeks and watery eyes like it doesn't even happen anymore. i've given up on trying to fight against my emotions and im sick of constant telling people im okay, even the fake smile iv been wearing for so long is finally wearing off. the world is a big place but yet i still feel so trapped. is there any escape? i used to think that my room was my only escape from the world, i felt safe here but instead this room has become my own little ticking bomb and im waiting for the day when my time is up. There will be a big explosion and ill be put on show for everyone to see exactly what sort of person i really am, im not the happy hyper person every seems to think i am, i dont like that people know barely anything about me and the day that this happens will be the scariest day of my life. i've become a pro at bottling up what im think and how im feeling and when im eventually forced to tell the world whats going on in my head ill end up running, ill find a new place to hide and ill go back to being trapped inside my head. one day ill walk away and laugh as i look back on the place i hate the most. my head. ill find my escape one day, whether it be on my own or with help. i can see the light so why cant i leave....